The Neverending Fanfic
by Pip3
Summary: PG 13 for a man with a bra and silly situations. There is no easy way to summarize this story. It's a roundrobin fic written by a bunch of people including me! from 'The Potedeia Scrolls' which I think is now called 'The Daily Scroll'.


The Neverending Fanfic  
  
This is a chain fanfic.... one person wrote a part and then another person wrote another part and then passed it on to the next person... I think it's also known as a Round Robin but oh well. Each time you see a line of ~~ then that means the next person is writing. got it? it's a confusing but funny story.  
  
(Oh yeah... I don't own any of the Xena or Hercules characters. They belong to some other people)  
  
  
  
Xena and Gabrielle sat at the far table in a tavern and waited for Hercules and Iolaus to arrive.  
  
"Xena do you think something is wrong. They are really late." Gabrielle said nervously. Xena shook her head.  
  
"No... they probably just ran into some thieves or bandits or something... like always" She grinned.  
  
"You're probably right." Gabrielle said, relaxing.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"So do you think they are worried?" Iolaus asked Hercules as he punched some fat bad guy in the stomach. Hercules banged to other guys heads together.  
  
"Nah. Probably not." He answered.  
  
"Your probably right. It's us. We are always late." Iolaus reasoned. Then when Hercules and Iolaus thought they were finished fighting the bad guys one of them who they didn't see ran up from behind Iolaus and...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
... and bonked him on the head with a frying pan. Iolaus fell to the ground and lost conciousness.  
  
Hercules raced over when he saw the scene. The bad dude ran off into the darkness even though it was daytime. Hercules checked Iolaus head and then picked him up and started to carry him towards town where Xena and Gabrielle were waiting. But he never made it there for some reason. Nobody knows why except me... the writer who is writing this part of the story.  
  
He instead made his way to some stranger's house. He knocked on the door and a beautiful woman opened the door. She gasped when she saw that Hercules was carrying the most beautiful man in his arms and he was unconcious.  
  
"What happened to this handsome man?" She asked Hercules. He raised an eyebrow.  
  
"A bad guy hit him on the head with a frying pan." He answered.  
  
"OH... poor man. What's his name?" She asked as she guided Hercules over to a bed and motioned for him to put Iolaus there.  
  
"I'm Hercules and this is Iolaus." He said. He expected to get some sort of reaction to his name. He was very disapointed when there was none.  
  
"Oh... Iolaus.... what a beautiful name. I'm Kelli." Said the woman who will now be referred to as Kelli because that's her name.  
  
"That's a pretty cool... er I mean a pretty name." He said. She nodded and stroked Iolaus' hair.  
  
"Yes I know. I have a beatiful name. Not even half as beautiful as Iolaus though." Kelli said. She then looked at Hercules.  
  
"Why are you still here? Don't you have a room at the inn or something?" She asked, annoyed. Hercules shook his head.  
  
"Oh... well you can sleep in the barn then" Kelli said. Hercules went out to the barn then and left her alone with Iolaus. She just stared at the beautiful unconcious form and finally fell asleep herself.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
All of a sudden Keith the Gopher popped up and exclaimed "Did I say you could touch Iolaus...put the sticker..kelli did we say you could talk"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
They called Keith a gopher because Kelli would often send him on errands for her. He was really a hired hand. When Hercules saw him, he asked Keith if he wouldn't please take a message to Xena and Gabrielle.  
  
"Do you know th Dew Drop Inn?"  
  
"I'm familiar with it."  
  
"Do you know what Xena Warrior Princess looks like?"  
  
"Everyone knows what Xena looks like."  
  
"Would you please ask Xena and Gabrielle to follow you back here? It's important. Here, I'll write you a message you can bring them."  
  
Keith brought the message to Xena and Gabrielle and they read shooed Keith away and read the message.  
  
"Iolaus has been hurt. He's staying at a woman's house named Kelli. Should we go there now?" Xena asked. Gabrielle nodded.  
  
"Yeah. I want to be there when he wakes up." Gabrielle said.  
  
"I doubt you'll get near him with this Kelli girl. It sounds like she's pretty obsessed with him and his beauty." Xena shook her head.  
  
"Well, he is good looking." Replied Gabrielle.  
  
"And I have more experance with him than she does there is no way he would give up achance with me for her..."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Little does Gabrielle no but she has been put on another obbsesion spell from aphrodite...When...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
when Xena suddenly gets this urge to... eat. She goes to the counter and orders 5 glasses of ale and 7 bowls of stew. Gabrielle raised her eyebrow at that. She decided that she would go to this Kelli's house and visit Iolaus.  
  
Aphrodite decided it would be fun to try this on the guys so she goes over to Hercules and puts a spell on him and he becomes obsessed with making sure Iolaus is safe at all times since he was thinking about Iolaus's injury at the time.  
  
Then she looked over the sleeping Iolaus who looked so sweet and cute while speeping. She decided not to give him as much as the others but enough for a small obsession. He was beginning to come to at the time and Kelli was right above him. He heard her voice and saw her face and was suddenly obsessed with Kelli.  
  
Iolaus awakens in front of Kelli and she immediately hugs him! He gladly accepts the hug and whispers to Kelli:  
  
"I don't know who you are, but I'm sure happy you're here!"  
  
Kelli replies by saying "It's love at first sight!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Hercules' eyes widen all of a sudden! He jumps into the air and knocks Kelli to the floor, leaving Iolaus in a hugging position. Iolaus looks over at Hercules and says:  
  
"Whad'ya do that for?!"  
  
Hercules: "It was for your own good!!! If your face had been just a few inches lower, she could have suffcated you with her..."  
  
At that moment, Gabrielle says makes a noise sounding like "A-hrm hrm" and Hercules turns his face to her.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Hercules: "Uh hi....what was your name again?"  
  
Gabrielle: "Gabrielle, of course! You must've heard of me! I mean, is there anyone alive who hasn't heard of Gabrielle the Great?"  
  
Hercules: "Oh...oh...yeah! You go around with Xena, right?"  
  
Gabrielle: "Actually, XENA is the one who goes around with ME!"  
  
Hercules: "Speaking of Xena...where is she?"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Meanwhile, in the Tavern, Xena finishes her last bowl of stew. She is a mess and has spilled food all over her armour... At that moment, the doors of the tavern swing open... and who else was there, but Joxer the Mighty? He has a lute and comes in singing, as usual!  
  
Joxer: Joxer the Mighty! Blessed by Aphrodite! Here at the Dew Drop Inn... With his very evil twin!  
  
As this line ends, Jett shows up behind Joxer and takes the lute away from him.  
  
Jett: C'mon, little bro! You look like a jackass!  
  
Joxer: But... you know how I like to make an entrance! Gee! Can't you at least let me finish my song?  
  
Jett takes the lute and smahses it on his knee, then hands it to Joxer.  
  
Jett: By all means.  
  
Jett continues walking into the Inn, Joxer behind him, examining his now broken lute.  
  
Xena remembers Jett from the last time they met.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Xena: Jett...I'm guessing you escaped from jail.  
  
Jett: Yeah...  
  
Jett approaches Xena.  
  
Joxer: Huh? He told me that they let him go free 'cause he promised them that he'd be really really good from now on!  
  
Jett: ...what're you gonna do about it, Xena?  
  
Xena: Well, there is only one way to deal with scum like you!  
  
Xena walks over to the bar and takes a huge piece of bread.  
  
Jett: Oh no! Xena's gunna hit me with the loaf of bread! I'm sooooo scared!  
  
Xena: Actually, THIS is for me.  
  
Xena takes a huge bite out of the loaf and grabs her chakram wit her other hand and pulls it back.  
  
Xena: THIS is for YOU!  
  
Xena throws the Chakram towards Jett...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Hercules, probably the only other person in the world other than Callisto who could catch the chakram and take it away from Xena, snatched it in mid- air, saving Jett's life.  
  
"Xena," he said, "I need your help. Iolaus is acting strangely. It looks like the gods have been playing tricks on us again. We're the victims of enchantment."  
  
"Izzat so?" said Xena. "And what exactly have the gods done to you."  
  
"That's the good news. So far they haven't gotten to me." Hercules shook his head wildly, and suddenly started to notice some things about Xena he hadn't noticed in quite awhile.  
  
"Xena," he said, "You are so sexy and beautiful. You're all covered in food. You need some cleaning up."  
  
"Herc, take it easy..."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"No," cried Hercules. "It's as if I've never really seen the true you before, Xena! C'mere, you big buff barbarian!"  
  
But as he reached for her, the air was rent by the sharp scream of a damsel in distress. For in the confusion, Jett had konked Joxer on the head, and hurled his throwing knife into the heart of a young woman who had been sitting innocuously in the corner of the tavern.  
  
"HaHA!!" Jett exclaimed. "My mission is accomplished, my target has now been assassinated. Great tormenting you again, little bro'..." he said to Joxer's semi-conscious form and with a swirl and flourish Jett was out a window and lost to the murky darkness of the night.  
  
"I got a bad feeling about this..." muttered Xena, as she and Hercules moved over to the lifeless body in the corner.  
  
"Who do you think she is?" asked Hercules, as they beheld a teenage girl dressed in the leather, mail, and fur accoutrements of a warlord, a slender rapier still clutched at her side.  
  
"I don't know," said Xena, "but she died with a sword in her hand."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Kelli and Ioulas went walking out side to see the girl that died with a sword in her hand. Kelli imediately recognised her. She gasped.  
  
"That's WarLord Girl, otherwise known as Heidi. She the high priestess of the evil god of stickers, Keith." SHe yelled and buried her face in Iolaus' chest. Iolaus grinned madly and comforted her.  
  
Gabrielle walked over and took the sword out of Heidi's hand to check her reflection.  
  
"Hmmm... Oh yeah. Looking good." She nodded to herself.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`  
  
The ten Joxers walked over and started singing Joxer the mighty at full volume to Gabrielle. SHe plugged her ears and screamed for Xena's help. Xena, now 5000 pounds slowly made her way to Gabrielle while knocking over and smooshing 9 of the Joxers. One was left standing and he ran like a baby into the woods.  
  
"What do you want Gabrielle. I'm trying to eat here." She said. Hercules got one look at Xena and ran into the woods to vomit. He came back groaning and then saw Xena standing next to Kelli and Iolaus.  
  
"Iolaus!!! Stay away from the giant!!" He screamed. He was terrified for Iolaus and his new found love's safety. Iolaus picked up Kelli and ran into the woods. Xena tried to run after him. Keith, god of stickers, then appeared and picked up WarLord Girl up just in time so she wasn't squished by Xena, the whale.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``  
  
"Oh... my poor priestess. I'll bring you back to life." He whispered stroking WarLord Girl's hair. He waved his hand and then looked up with an annoyed look on his face.  
  
"Kelli! Get back here! Look at this mess! It's all your fault! And where did you get that sticker! Give it back now!" Keith yelled. Kelli heard his yells and screamed for Iolaus to keep Keith away from her.  
  
"I'll do anything for you my dear love. I would die for you if I have to." Iolaus said. Then Ares appeared....  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`  
  
...and saw the gross mess that was now Xena. Threw up all over Gabrielle, and then ran away screaming like a girl. Gabrielle absolutly disgusted at what Ares just did started to cry and told Xena she was taking her to a health farm. Xena totally horrified at this idea shed 4850lbs almost immediatly.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`  
  
Somewhere in the woods, Autolycus was walking around the trees carefully. He saw Ares running into the woods with a sick face and screming like a little girl. Autolycus leaped out...  
  
Autolycus: Halt! It is I, the King of Thieves, here to rob you blind. Now, cooperate, or I'll have to hurt you.  
  
Autolycus then grinned and Ares looked at him strangely. Autolycus then became frightened as Ares said:  
  
Ares: Do you know who you're talking to? I'm the god of War! Fear me!  
  
Autolycus: God of War, huh? Then tell me, "Ares," Why would the god of War be running away from someone?  
  
Ares: It's Xena...she turned into a giant!  
  
Autolycus: Uh...if you say so...  
  
Autoycus looks at Ares as if he was mad.  
  
Ares: It's true! Go see for yourself. Now leave me alone, maggot!  
  
Ares then vanishes, having recomposed himself.  
  
Autolycus, seeing Ares dissapear: Well, whaddaya know, he is a god!  
  
Autolycus heads towards the town and sees Xena standing there, her regular weight. Also there was Hercules, Iolaus, Kelli, nd Gabrielle. Keith, the god of stickers, had dissapeared, seeing that Xena had reverted to her original form somehow.  
  
Autolycus: Xena! Some crazy god who clamed to be Ares just said that you were a giant... I showed him who was boss!  
  
Xena: I was, Autolycus...but Gabrielle made me feel better about myself... I don't feel like eating anything anymore.  
  
Hercules, upon hearing the name of Autolycus, recalled that he was the King of Thieves. He ran up to him and shoved him aside.  
  
Hercules: You're not going to steal anything from Iolaus!  
  
Autolycus: OUCH! Hey, Herc. Lay off! I wasn't going to steal anything...  
  
Seeing that Hercules was busy stopping Autolycus from trying anything, Kelli and Iolaus resume kissing each other.  
  
Gabrielle: We have to help get the curse off them, Xena! I seem to have gotten better after helping you shrink down to your regular size.  
  
Xena: You're right, Gabrielle. We must help them!  
  
Xena looks over at Iolaus and Kelli.  
  
Xena: Iolaus! Show Hercules that you can take care of yourself!  
  
Iolaus stops kissing Kelli for a moment.  
  
Iolaus: How, Xena?  
  
At that moment, a giant monster came in. It was a Titan human with two heads, one a man's head and the other a woman's head.  
  
Xena, looks up at the moster: That'll do!  
  
Man's Head: Fe Fi Fo Fum  
  
Woman's Head: Oh, shut up, Karl! You're always saying that stupid little rhyme. Let's just destroy this village!  
  
Man's Head: Duhhh...Okay, Maxine...  
  
The huge two-headed titan, known from now on as an ettin, begins stomping on the houses inthe village, and the villagers scatter around. Iolaus looks up at the monster and knows that he must defeat him...er...her... er... it... To show Hercules that he can take care of himself and break the curse. Hercules stops strulling with Autolycus and sees the ettin.  
  
Hercules: I'll defeat it!  
  
Iolaus: No, Herc, stand back!  
  
  
  
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Iolaus has to be the one to defeat it to break the curse...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`  
  
"Herc! Look! It's.... Ares and he wants to kill me!" Hercules spun around looking for the threatening half brother that he hated. When he turned back around with a confused look on his face he was surprised to see that the monster was dead and Iolaus was now standing on one of the heads kissing Kelli hungrily. Suddenly Hercules had this horrible headache. He grabbed his head.  
  
"Oh.... Ow.... hey... I was obsessed with keeping you safe wasn't I?" He asked. Xena and Gabrielle nodded. Joxer was still trying to kill the dead monster.  
  
"But Iolaus is obsessed with her." Gabrielle said pointing to Kelli and Iolaus kissing on the monsters head.  
  
"So what's the cure for that?" Xena asked.  
  
"I think we have to let Iolaus know that we all love him and we have to pay more attention to him." Hercules said. So everybody climbed on top of the monster and grabbed Iolaus in a group hug. They all said stuff like  
  
'Iolaus you are wonderful..." and "Iolaus you are so cool."  
  
"Ow... I got one huge headache." Iolaus muttered.  
  
"So are you done being obsessed with Kelli then?" Gabrielle asked impatiently. Iolaus looked horrified.  
  
"Never. I love her." He said. Hercules shrugged.  
  
"I guess he really does love her and the spell just enhanced it a little bit. Sorry Gab." Hercules said. Iolaus nodded to everyone and then he looked into Kelli's eyes.  
  
"Kelli. I would like to ask you this in front of my friends so they will be witnesses. I would like to ask for your hand in marriage." He said sincerely. Kelli felt tears of joy build up in her eyes and she nodded.  
  
"Yes... yes of course I'll marry you Iolaus." She said.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"EXSQUEEEEZE ME!" came a sharp cry from the ether above, as the Goddess Aphrodite manifested herself once again.  
  
"I'm the one who started this curse/obsession thing, but I can't even keep up with it now!" She pouted momentarily, then realized it was not overly becoming, so returned to the insouciant little smirk she normally sported.  
  
"Now let me get this straight! Herc is obsessed with protecting Iolaus, but let him fight this two-headed beast all by his lonesome. Herc, dude," she nodded disapprovingly, "you bailed on him!"  
  
"Ah, ah...." Hercules stammered, but to no avail. Accordingly, he kept a close eye on Autolycus, who was eyeing everyone shiftily; at least he could keep order until this mess was all sorted out.  
  
Aphrodite continued. "Now you - warrior babe - you were obsessed with eating!"  
  
"I lost my appetite," Xena snarled back, looking at the heterosexual love fest going on between Iolaus, his twin, the nubile Kelli, and still-vain Gabrielle.  
  
"Yeah....me too," said a dejected Joxer.  
  
"NO WAY! I'm the dominatrix of love here, guys, and I smell something fishy!" exclaimed Aphrodite.  
  
"....well, you remember when you lost your powers...." Joxer started to suggest.  
  
"Don't EVEN go there, helmethead!" Aphrodite snapped back.  
  
"Miolaus, huh? Yeah, and monkey's MIGHT fly out of my negligee! Let's see who's really under that mask!" And with that, advancing on Iolaus's "twin," she ripped the mask from his head to reveal none other than her half- brother and sometime paramour Ares. "Wondered where you'd got off to, bro'," she snickered.  
  
"Yeah, and I'd have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for those durn kids," Ares growled, "and their dog!" And he dropped Kelli as he once again disappeared.  
  
"OK - let's get one thing straight," Aphrodite continued. "I'm the one Goddess from the works here - accept no substitutes! Hey Blondie!"  
  
"Yes?" Gabrielle and Iolaus answered in unison.  
  
"The LESS annoying one," replied Aphrodite. "You - Iolaus. Golden apple boy. You're supposed to be with Kelli. YOU - Scroll girl - you're in love with Joxer, remember?"  
  
"But...but....how did you know? I've never admitted that to...to...to anyone!" Gabrielle stammered.  
  
"Duh - Goddess of Love," said Aphrodite. "OK, now who have I left out?" Looking around, she saw Xena standing with a look of disgust on her face, and Hercules, riding herd on Autolycus.  
  
"OK, this was, like, really tubular, but don't count on me to straighten out your twisted chaotic little plot devices again! All spells are off! Later, dudes - bitchin' wind-surfing at Naxos, then Hermes has a wrestling match he wants me to see."  
  
And with a ******POOF**** she disappered from sight.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`  
  
"Well, I guess this love fest is over," Xena observed.  
  
"I'm not so sure about that Xena," Hercules said with a twinkle in his eye. And with that he pointed toward the two obviously-still-in-love couples - Iolaus who was being..ah..smothered by Kelli, if you know what I'm saying here, and Joxer and Gabrielle, who hadn't had this much fun since Bliss stole his daddy's arrows.  
  
"Wait a minute, wait a minute here!" Autolycus interrupted. "Are we going to have a real adventure, or what?"  
  
When all of a sudden, ......  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The two headed (one male, one female) monster, the ettin, came in from the forest, apparently not having been beaten by Iolaus or Joxer.  
  
Male Head (Karl): Duhhh... I wanna eat.  
  
Female Head (Maxine): Is that all you think about, Karl? Gaining so much weight will make me feel bad about myself...sharing this smelly body with you is bad enough!  
  
Karl: I wanna eat...I wanna eat now! Humans! Yummy!  
  
Maxine: Oh, all right.  
  
Autolycus: Uh...I'll take back that wanting adventure thing...  
  
Autolycus begins to run away and he is picked up by the ettin. The female head examines him as the Male head suspends him over his open mouth.  
  
Maxine: Wait,Karl! You know what eating clothes does to us!  
  
With the other hand, the monster begins to strip Autolycus of his clothes.  
  
Xena and Hercules look up at that titan, wondering what to do... Joxer tells Gabrielle that it isn't safe her, and tells her to run to the forest, but she refuses, so they both get ready to fight the monster too.  
  
Kelli: Iolaus! I'm scared! Let's go somewhere safe!  
  
Hercules looks over at Iolaus and Kelli and nods.  
  
Hercules: Yeah, you take her somewhere safe... Make sure she's okay...  
  
Iolaus: Good luck, Herc...Xena...Gabreielle!  
  
Joxer: Uh, what about me?  
  
Iolaus: Good luck to you too, Joxstrap...  
  
Iolaus runs away from the monster along with Kelli towards the cave where theother villagers sought protection.  
  
Joxer draws his sword and runs at the ettin, sword raised.  
  
Hercules hands Xena her chakram and Gabrielle takes out her staff. They get ready to fight...  
  
Autolycus, in the monster's hand, almost completely naked: Will you guys hurry up?!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
With a sharp "Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!" Xena somersaulted over the brave but foolish Joxer, landing squarely in front of the advancing ettin. With a mighty flick of her supple wrist, Xena sent her legendary chakram spinning through the air, severing two of the ettin's fingers, causing him/her/them to drop Autolycus.  
  
"Oh! My sacroiliac!" Autloycus groaned as he hit ground, bounced, hit ground again.  
  
"NOW!" Xena cried, as Hercules heaved a mighty boulder into the forehead of the ettin.  
  
*****SMACKK!!!!!!*********  
  
Down the giant came crashing, landing with a mighty thud just where Gabrielle and Joxer had been standing.  
  
"The bigger they come...." observed Gabrielle.  
  
"Wait!" shouted Hercules. "Another damsel in distress! Don't you hear that screaming? That moaning?"  
  
"Ah, Herc...." Autolycus said, gathering a few fig leaves for cover. "You notice where that screaming and moaning is coming from?" And all eyes (and ears) turned to the section of the forest where Ioalus and Kelli had most recently sought refuge.  
  
"All-righty then!" said Gabrielle, blushing. "Guess that pretty much takes THEM out of this plotline."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`  
  
Back in the village Hercules, Xena, Gabrielle, and Joxer sat at a tavern talking about what happened in just one day. Then they all turned to see Iolaus and Kelli walk in the door. Iolaus' arm was wrapped around Kelli's waist. They were both grinning.  
  
"Iolaus.... a cave? Please...." Hercules said. Iolaus blushed.  
  
"Sorry...."  
  
"Oh.... well I guess that the obsession thing didn't really effect you much huh? You really do love her don't you?" Xena asked. Iolaus nodded.  
  
"Yes I do. We are going to get married also." Iolaus said.  
  
Hercules response was not what they were expecting......  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
....not what they were expecting at all, given that his head spun around a full 360 degrees not once, not twice, but three times, following which his eyes bugged out, and his lips uttered a bizarre "Wobbida-wobbida-wobbida" sound.  
  
"Whoa - head rush!" said Hercules, when he came to his senses, and then added "But Iolaus - you're...ah...like...41? And Kelli is...ah....14? Do we have a small problem here?"  
  
"Not at all, Herc," replied his diminutive but stalwart friend. "All my life, I've been attracted to the wrong sort of woman - you know - Aphrodite, Medea, Dirce, Xena....no offense, now Xena," he added quickly as Xena's hand went to her chakram with a WHOOSH! but then subsided and came to a rest at her side.  
  
"But you know what I mean," Iolaus continued. "I've been a low-life, a rogue, and at last I've found something pure, someone worthwhile - someone that I can truly say I was the first."  
  
"Sorry to disappoint you," came a familar voice from the skylight above.  
  
"Autolycus?" everyone gasped with surprise.  
  
"And believe me, Iolaus, this isn't the only thing that I've stolen long before you ever came along! That's why they call me....." and with this he brushed and twirled his mustache, "...the KING of Thieves!"  
  
Suddenly a grappling hook and rope appeared as if from nowhere, and with a bizarre yodel, the man who had evidently successfully taken EVERYTHING was gone.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Kelli....how could you?" Iolaus asked in astonishment.  
  
As Kelli began to burst into tears.  
  
"what? well i didn't know" Kelli said with a playful smile  
  
"didn't know what? That you were a whore?" Gabrielle said harshly  
  
"GABRIELLE!" Xena yelled  
  
"What ok i'm sorry i didn't mean it that way"  
  
"no i just menat whore's get paid..and well she didn't. Did you?" Xena questioned Kelli  
  
"Well...he did give me this ring..uh does that count?" she says cooly  
  
"Oh i love that ring!" Gabrielle says excitedly  
  
"i know its beautiful isn't it??" Kelli agrees  
  
"ok now when did we get onto jewelry here?" Iolaus asks  
  
"i'm sorry..i..i..the ring!! i wanted the ring..and well" kelli stutters  
  
And with that Iolaus....  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"But...but....how could you be so mercenary?" Iolaus stammered.  
  
"Easy!" came a sharp pronouncement from the tavern's doorway. "Because she's not the real Kelli!"  
  
All eyes turned to the doorway, in which stood the until-now-presumed-dead warlord girl, who pulled Jett's dagger from her.  
  
"But...but...you're dead! I saw you stabbed through the heart!" said the living Kelli.  
  
"I got better," the mail- and fur-clad young barbarian chick said. "You, on the other hand, will only get worse! YOU are the real warlord girl here - you stole my soul while I was asleep, put it here in this body, then took MY body to work your nefarious plans on little Iolaus there! Then, you hired Jett to do his thing and assassinate me, so that you could have my body AND my boyfriend! You even made a pact with Ares, to confuse the issue with fake Iolaus's and two headed monsters! No, Heidi, YOU are the two- faced monster here!"  
  
And with that she advanced on her former best friend, (not surprisingly) with a sword in her hand.  
  
"EEEEEE-YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" the fake Kelli let rip with a Callisto-style shriek, hurtling through the air to attack the real Kelli, trapped in her old warlord body.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`  
  
Xena, Hercules, Joxer and Gabrielle all looked at each other, and at the by- now-confused Iolaus.  
  
"Xena - shouldn't we do something" asked Gabrielle.  
  
"Nah, let 'em fight it out. Best woman wins Iolaus," Xena replied.  
  
"Gee - do you think they might want to settle this by wrestling? Joxer asked. "I notice there's some good mud nearby...OOOOF!!" His observation was suddenly cut short as Gabrielle's elbow plunged into his stomach.  
  
"OOOOW - just a suggestion."  
  
But now Kelli and Heidi slowly circled each other, each looking for an opening.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
From a cloud high atop the ether, the gods looked down in amusement. Aphrodite and her family (Cupid, Psyche, and little Bliss) had their money on the outraged Kelli, while Ares,Discord and Hermes took the side of Heidi, since she had concocted this whole nefarious scheme.  
  
Meanwhile in a different place (and a different when for that matter) in a place not unlike the southern United States a bloke called Joxerfan was sitting at his computer.  
  
Suddenly (with an effect rather like the one in Tron) a beam of light shoots from his moniter and he finds his body is pixelating. Light fills his eyes and the last thing he remembers is a sound like a hundred men chanting "MMMMoooooobbbbbbbiiiiiuuuuuuusssssss"  
  
What seams like an eternity later the light leaves his eyes and he feels an unfamiliar weight in his hand. It's a Javelin. He looks down and on his body is not his old comfortable suit but a rather fetching set of Peltastoi armour.  
  
Then as if the situation could not get worse it becomes apparent that he is standing between two rather angry (and surprised) young women, one dressed in a chiton the other warrior furs.......  
  
Suddenly transported into ancient, even mythological times came as quite a shock for the Joxer-loving young man, seeing as how he was neither a Yankee nor from Connecticut. But having read countless fantasy novels, he immediately went into survival mode, reverting to thinking and speaking in Greek (which he had thankfully had no use for since college, but which is conveniently translated here for clarity's sake.)  
  
He took stock of the situation. Vengeful teen psycho babes on either side of him, and there he was clad only in....Peltastoi armor? He naturally assumed it to be impervious, whatever it was. He looked down at his hand - a Javelin. Why a javelin? His family had always driven Ramblers, then Hornets, but never that mid-70's ersatz sports car. He tossed it aside.  
  
"Wait - cease and desist!" he cried in his most conciliatory tone. The battling nymphets halted in mid-strike, still obviously surprised by this sudden manifestation. "Can't...ah...ah....can't we all just get along?" (Eloquence on the spur of the moment was never this Southerner's strong suit. Actually, khaki was his strong suit, but it was at the cleaners.)  
  
Dumbfounded, Kelli and Heidi stammered "Are...are you an immortal?" "YES I AM!" he replied, wishing for a Bud Light. "Now, ah...go and sin no more!"  
  
The bombardment started. "But she stole my boyfriend!" "But she stole my BODY!" "Well, you wouldn't know what to do with it anyway!" "Oh yeah, well that's not what Keith said!" and on and on and on until he could take no more. "Enough, I say! This is getting far too silly. Iolaus - which of these two women do you want?"  
  
Thinking quickly, Iolaus made a decision worthy of Solomon: "I'll take 'em both!" Which seemed ageeable to both young boppers, since either way, both of their bodies ended up with Iolaus, who seemed just the man for the job.  
  
Xena, on the other hand, was not mollified. "Who are you, anyway, drawling non-native Greek-speaker?"  
  
"Well, that's kind of complicated. I seem to have fallen through a distortion in the space-time continuum, and have ended up in a highly localized temporal anomaly approximating the era of my favorite heroes."  
  
"HUH?" Iolaus asked.  
  
"Well," the outlander replied, "remember that thing you did when you saved Alcmene from Callisto?" "Sure," replied Iolaus, "just like that deal with the Sovereign." "Yeah" added Joxer, "I was a hero in that one!" "That was an ALTERNATE reality, Joxer," said Gabrielle as she jabbed him in the ribs. "And Xena," the young man continued, "remember when you saw what life would have been like if you'd stayed peaceful?"  
  
"Yeah, so what's your point?" she snarled in her usual dark tone.  
  
Hercules broke in "Don't you see, Xena? He's from an alternate reality, one where he obviously knows all about us."  
  
"Precisely," the Southerner said. "But I'm happy to stay here. If only....." and his eyes gazed wistfully over all the coupled-up couples.  
  
At that moment, a shrill "Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!" rent the air, as another tall, buxom, dark equestrienne came galloping thrpough the sward.  
  
"Who's she?" said Xena, with a jerk.  
  
"I don't know - she's kinda cute," replied the jerk.  
  
"Quiet, creep! You're with me now!" Gabrielle interjected, giving his nose an extra-hard tweek.  
  
"Why I'm a Lover of Horses," the extraordinarily beautiful young horsewoman said.  
  
"Really?" asked the Southerner. "So your name is Amantequa?" (Our newest hero had mixed up his classical languages temporarily.)  
  
"Close enough," the dusky temptress replied. "And you look just like what I've been looking for. If only.... if only....you were just a little more like my hero Joxer....." she added longingly, for she would never have wanted to come between Joxer and his Gabrielle.  
  
"Let me explain," the Southerner started, and moved towards her, tripping over his own feet in the process and landing face down in the white-flower- bedecked field.  
  
"You'll do nicely!" the statuesque Xena-look-alike exclaimed with glee! And with that, she swept him onto her Friesian horse. "Do you know Salmoneus, by any chance?" he asked as she expertly executed a fine bit of dressage. "Because I've got a few bets on the upcoming Olympic Games I want to place, as well as just a few items I'd like to market..." he went on to explain, all the while executing a little frottage himself. And together they galloped off into history.  
  
"Well, that seems to tie up all the loose ends," Hercules sighed to Xena.  
  
"I wouldn't count on it," she countered...........  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Just then Heidi popped out with Ares by her side...  
  
"Xena it is time for you to join my Army of Warriors!" Ares bellowed, "I already have Heidi(WarLord Girl), Keith the Sticker God, Ceaser, and Callisto (Hudson)." Iolaus and Kelli came running by Xena's side pushing Hercules out of the way. "Oh yeah!" said Kelli. Then she saw Keith standing there with a sticker out-line, "Kelli...Kelli... I have a sticker out-line do you want it???" Keith said softly.  
  
Knowing that it is a trick, "No Kelli don't do it!!!" Iolaus screamed like a girl.  
  
"Ohhhhhhhh Sticker out-line.... must have!!!" Kelli cried as she came running over to where Keith was and when she got there Heidi stabbed her in the back with her sword.  
  
"You are so weak...you always have been!" Heidi cried out in happiness!  
  
Kelli's last words were...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`  
  
Iolaus rushed to Kelli and cradled her weak body against hid chest. Kelli's dying words were...  
  
"Don't be sad Iolaus. I had the best time of my life with you..." Then she breathed her last breath in Iolaus arms and she closed her eyes and stopped moving.  
  
Iolaus gasped and was unaware of the tears falling down his face. He didn't notice Hercules hand on his shoulder. He didn't notice anything except him and Kelli's body. He didn't notice when Keith, Heidi, and their gang left. He didn't notice when Hercules went outside...  
  
"Zeus!!!!!" Hercules yelled once he was far enough. He yelled for his father three more times before the old god showed up.  
  
"What do you want?" Zeus asked in a gruff voice.  
  
"Who in Tartarus is Keith?! I've never heard of him! He can't kill Kelli. It brings my friend to much grief. He's worse now than he was when his wife died." Hercules said.  
  
"Keith? The sticker god? I haven't seen him in decades.... I thought that he just became a hermit permanetely. Like Yoda or Obi Wan Kenobi..." Zeus muttered. Hercules looked confused.  
  
"Yoda? Obi Wan Kenobi?" He asked.  
  
"OH... you wouldn't know. In the future there will be this trilogy film called Star Wars and.... nevermind. You wouldn't get it." Zeus waved it off.  
  
"Well... can you do something for Iolaus and Kelli? They just met and are so much in love and now she's dead and they'll never be married and... I just don't think Iolaus can handle losing her. And I doubt she'll be happy in the Eleysion Fields... that is where she is right?" Hercules made sure. Zeus nodded.  
  
"Yes... that's where she is. She just got there. Seems she talked so much that Charon actually made it across the river in record time just to get away from her." Zeus said.  
  
"Well... she can be annoying I guess...." Hercules admitted.  
  
"Well... I'm not sure there is anything I can do for Kelli. I'll have to ask Hera... she's so in charge of me." Zeus said.  
  
"Hera... but I through her into Tartarus... remember?" Hercules said.  
  
"OH yeah!! I can do what I want now! I totally forgot! I'm the king of the gods!" Zeus yelled. Then he started dancing. "OH yeah... the annoying brat. She's alive now." Zeus said as he waved his hand. Suddenly Hades appeared.  
  
"This is soooo not fair! I'm joining Keith now!" Then he disappeared. Hercules ran back to where Iolaus was still cradling Kelli. Hercules rolled his eyes.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`  
  
Suddenly Kelli took a deep breath and then let out a whimper of pain. Iolaus' eyes widened.  
  
"Kelli! Your alive!" He said loudly and began to laugh.  
  
"Yeah... I am... but the stab wound in my back kind of hurts." Kelli winced as Iolaus gently lifed her up to check it out.  
  
"Oh yeah... there is quite a bit of blood but I can't see the wound through cloth." He commented. Kelli nodded. Then Iolaus picked her up and carried her to a back room and sat her on a bed that he found. Then he slowly lifted the back of her shirt up and found the big cut. He waved out to Xena and asked her to fix up Kelli and bandage her up. Xena nodded.  
  
After Kelli had bandages over the wound Xena gave her something to drink. She didn't tell Kelli that she put sleeping powder in the drink and Kelli quickly fell asleep. Iolaus watched over her carefully, too afraid to leave her side for fear that something bad would once again happen to his beloved.  
  
"Iolaus... I think you might want to leave for a minute." Xena said. Iolaus shook his head.  
  
"No." He said.  
  
"Iolaus. I put the powder in her drink for a reason. So that she wouldn't feel the pain when I do this. I want to prevent infection in that wound." Xena explained. Iolaus still shook his head.  
  
"I want to be here for her." He said. He held tightly to Kelli's hand as Xena pressed the flat of a red hot sword to the wound on Kelli's back. Kelli, though unconsious, still let out a sound to make it known she could feel the pain.  
  
"Trust me... it's better. Now we know it won't become infected. She'll be OK." Xena said and left Iolaus to be alone with Kelli.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`  
  
Back in Keith's temple he was yelling at Heidi.  
  
"You should have stabbed her many times! She's alive!" He yelled.  
  
"But... she was dead." Heidi stammered.  
  
"Was is not good enough. I wanted her to still be dead!" Keith yelled and he had a little temper tantrum. During this he through fire at furniture and statues. He missed one and accidently killed Heidi.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The air was rent with a GIANt fartlike sound... & Brucy & the Amythests poofed into existance... He was Dancing & singing as the 3 naked Amees accompianied him  
  
"Heidi & kelli dancing in the rain.."  
  
"I m a genius .."  
  
"Theyre INSANE.."  
  
Brucy stops suddenly..."Why Am I doing This ...???"He wonders aloud...  
  
I cant dance ...  
  
I cant sing.....  
  
Im NOT very good at Anything.....  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`  
  
so Keith dragged Heidi's body outside and dropped her in the field. But what Keith didn't know was that Heidi was not dead. She was actually alive because she had eaten ambrosia. She ran away and swore to get revenge on Kelli and on Keith.  
  
THE END  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: No Classical-language speaking, slow Southern-drawling fans of Joxer the Mighty were harmed during the creation of this fanfic installment, but much damage was done to the good reputations of both Callisto (a K) and Warlord Girl. 


End file.
